I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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