i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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