Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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