The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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