i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
