I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
