I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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