Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
