Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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