I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
tell me about the eggs
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
