You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
