How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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