my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
