How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
