Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
