Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
