and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
this is an emotional support booty call
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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