my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize