I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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