how can u be prego again
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
