his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
