Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
