It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
