Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
