So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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