I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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