Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
