Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
