How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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