I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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