the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
