dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
