Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
