Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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