I swear she didn't look like that last week.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
