good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
