She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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