There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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