I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
