I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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