I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
