I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
