Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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