Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
