just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
