I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
