sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
