Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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