I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize