so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
