If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
