shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
