I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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