OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
