i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
