She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
