Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
