God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
