She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
