i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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