is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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