i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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