Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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