Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
