you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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