bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
