Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
don't judge my taste in strippers
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The Olympian is in my bed
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
