I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
