I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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