Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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