it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
