I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
